hypertoxic | CONSIGNMENT; inbox

Is that your lameass way of telling me not to give up?

Vriska, it's not stupid just because it's over your head.

Rude, Simon. And I didn't say it was stupid. I said it was lame.

That's a horrible word, though. And they mean essentially the same.

[Oh God why.]

01
Pedant.

02
Look. I get it.

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8ut I can't shake this feeling l8ly that he might 8e right!

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To 8e honest, I'm glad I never met someone like him when I was younger. I would have completely idolized him and wanted to be just like him! In fact, I would have jumped at the chance to have him as my teacher.

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It's actually freaking me out a little that I'm suddenly am8ivalent a8out it.

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8ut it's also freaking me out that I'm considering it at all!

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Ugh.

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You'd think after a 8ajillion sweeps spent in the void I'd have figured myself out 8y now. Turns you dying doesn't grant you godlike wisdom or powerful insight or anything. Just makes you dead.

[It's a dark message, and hard to read. And yet—Simon, who's been in such close quarters with Sephiroth, is not above a bit of envy himself. Sephiroth might be a snake-eyed freak, but he's powerful, and he doesn't seem afraid of anything. But for Vriska Simon wants much more, and he's not in a position to give it to her.]

01
You had some interesting circumstances when you were younger, from what I've understood. And there are worse things you can do, especially here, than to recognise the worst you could be.

02
Do you think Sephiroth will survive? Don't tell him I asked you this, for God's sake.

01
Interesting? Lol. That's one way of putting it.

Yes. At least until he gets tired of listening to the instructors. And then we might all 8e fucked.

02
And why the fuck would I tell him that???? I don't actually want to die for a third time, holy shit!

See? Self-preservation. You're doing well.

Sephiroth's not stronger than the instructors, though. I can tell you that. Though I suppose you're right the rest of us might have some trouble.

Gee, thanks!

I agree, 8ut that is not what I meant. He will decide to re8el at some point. It's inevita8le. And when he does, he will take a lot of us down with him just 8y virtue of how 8ig he will go out.

[This is making him very uneasy indeed.]

And you'd rather be on his side at that point than not?

........

That is also not what I meant, 8ut it's gr8 to know what you think of my morals.

Who's talking about morals? I'm talking about surviving, nothing more. It's politics.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood you.

[Such a word for it, politics. He really is trying to think outside the box, and sometimes the effects aren't good.]

[ A solid minute goes by before she replies. ]

01
I've done a lot of shit in the name of surviving, Simon. Killed a lot of people and did some 8rutal things!

02
I am going to survive.

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8ut I am starting to think may8e it shouldn't 8e at the expense of people I actually care a8out.

04
8eing on Sephiroth's side might mean I survive a little longer, sure! If it came to that. 8ut 8eing on his side also means sacrificing everything I've 8een working for all over again.

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And I have worked way too fucking hard to re8uild some sem8lance of a life to just throw it all away for the sake of some psychotic chucklefuck who would pro8a8ly end up killing me anyway.

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I know his type. He can pretend to gr8ness and glory all he wants! 8ut that is not what he'll get, and I am not going to 8e there when he figures that out.

[ Well. If he was trying to talk her off Team Sephiroth, he may actually have succeeded.

If he wasn't, then hey, added bonus! ]

[Simon's delay is a bit longer. Not because he's writing a lot, because he's not. And not because he's thinking about this, though he is; he bites his lip at her first message, imagining what's been and picturing what he knows will be. But—well.]

01
You might want to get into the bathroom for this one. Fair warning, and so on.

02
But sometimes I'm absurdly proud of you.

[ what ]

[ omg ]

[ She doesn't know how to react. How to feel. What does that mean? Why is he proud of her? Did something she said imply she's changed since she got here?

... has she?

If he's proud of her, does that mean ... she's doing something right?

The emotional whiplash that comes from reading that statement is too much for her to handle. She shoves it down, away, where it can't force her to examine herself too closely, and takes the easy way out. ]

That was not enough warning for something so gross! ::::/

01
Sorry. Next time I'll be sure to give you more notice.

Sephiroth's not on a good path. You saw it. He will fail. He's watching his chance, and whatever they offered him - well, it won't happen.

02
And there's more to aspire to than power for its own sake, and you saw that too. It's complicated, but you're learning, and doing it well.

[ Her attempts to push away her emotions fail when she reads -- this. His endorsement, his encouragement.

His belief in her.

It all crashes into her - her pain, her sorrow, her regret, her need, her loneliness, her anger, her ambitions and aspirations - her dreams. For more, for a better life. For one last chance not to fuck things up. And somehow -- somehow, she isn't -- she isn't fucking things up. If Simon's telling her that -- then she believes it. She can believe it, from him. The boy so scared of what she could be.

It burns, her everything. Her throat, her eyes. She has to swallow hard and stare sightlessly at the sky for a long moment before the feeling passes.

She cares about him too much. He means too much to her. Too much. ]

01
One of the hardest things I ever learned was that there are things more important than power.

Things more important than me.

02
Thank you. I needed the reminder why his teachings are a 8ad idea.

[He'd never tell her this, but sometimes she's what gets him out of his bunk in the morning. She's so irrepressible and bright, and even when she submits, she never gives up. She shines like a dark star, in a way he knows he never, ever will, this strange little sister of his with the horns and the blank, white eyes.

She'd seemed so very alone right back at the start, crouched beneath her concealing hood on the crewship—and he'd tried to help her, because he was so alone. And then he'd nearly died, several times, and he'd found her to apologise despite all of her threats, because apologies are familiar, safe things that help set his world in order, and because if he'd died on the ice, he would have missed his chance.

What I want is a friend, she'd said. And what had he said? Friendship takes time. Right here and now, I can't give you that answer. But the CDC turned out to be a crucible, and she was made an example of—and then, at least in part outraged by what they'd done to her, he'd got the same.

And now they're friends. Except sometimes, now, he sees it when he closes his eyes:

— M01C12-256 | Vriska Serket

Anyone, after all, can die. And often it's the brightest people who don't last. He's readying himself, as he is with everyone he cares about. But her most of all.]

Vriska, dear, it's fine.

But that was why I showed you the poem. Not "don't give up", quite. More "what we were isn't what we will be always, or should be always. And that's okay".

It is, you know.

[Not just her, of course, but him. Even at home, he knows there were horrors out there that make what he's going through look trivial. Sometimes he's ashamed.]

01
May8e you're right.

I guess I am just not accustomed to anyone giving me a chance, or 8elieving I can actually make it.

02
It is sort of nice that you do.

[ She is honestly very glad they aren't having this conversation face to face. There are some things her ego still won't permit, and showing as much vulnerability as she is right now to anyone would be too much humiliation to bear. She knows it, can feel it on her face - all these tumultuous emotions, the dragging aching pain of self-realization, all of it's showing through. Rarely has she been so grateful to be alone.

Maybe someday it won't feel so fucking awful to let someone see her in a moment of weakness. ]

01
I do believe in you. Don't get me wrong, here. You can be scary. And as I heard a lot when I was small, nice young girls don't raise their voices.

[It might be the first time he's mentioned anything about his home to her, and it's only a passing detail. He is thinking of what he knows she's done, but neither of them need to raise it.]

02
Power's not necessarily a bad thing to aspire to. But some ways to use it are better than others. I think you understand that, too.

01
I know this might sound weird to a human, 8ut there aren't any "good" uses of power in my culture to aspire to. Power for trolls means conquering! 8eing strong, even if it's on the 8acks of everyone else.

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I guess I don't really know what it means to use power in a "8etter" way.

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8ut it's something I'll have to start trying to figure out.

04
You know, all along I thought 8eing a hero was pretty simple. Save the universe and 8am, hero for life! Or death. Eternity. Whatever! 8ut I think I was wrong a8out that. It's more simple. It's not just a8out saving people.

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It's how you save them.

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And may8e especially why.

[:(]

01
Plenty of human cultures went in for conquest. Still do, depending who you ask. But you're right, we usually mean something softer by power. Something you should use wisely, which few ever do.

02
It all seemed so unfair and wrong. And nothing you could really do but work at the edges to make it better. I never did, of course.

03
But what do you mean, how you save them? What would be a bad way to save someone?

[This might just be very, very important. A shame he hasn't elaborated, or told her anything much.]

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