hypertoxic | [week three

[week three - sunday]

[ It's somewhat unfortunate that Vriska is very busy today. The Busiest, probably. It keeps her running around for quite some time after the execution, and she definitely saw Jinah moving away as the crowd dispersed. It won't be for some hours, but eventually, Vriska will find her. She's pretty determined to do so, in fact. She may be busy, but Jinah is important.

Which is terrifying to her in ways she doesn't want to admit to herself.

She finds the other girl where she expects to find her - at their hut. But Vriska will simply stand in the doorway, looking at her for a long moment. ]

Want to go for a walk with me?

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[ It's a little while before she speaks. She's got her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her cardigan, and she looks pretty deep in thought, like she's trying to figure it out herself.

When they're a ways outside the village of huts she finally speaks. ]

I hate this place.

[ The way she says it-- it's almost like it's a quiet revelation for her. She keeps walking, keeping pace with Vriska. ]

Do you remember what they told us when we first got here? How one Chief lies and one tells the truth. You know what that means right.. that nothing we see or do matters.

[ She's probably more severe than Vriska, or anyone has seen her thus far. She's not really angry.. just kind of suddenly subdued. ]

How we decide what happens.. it's going to just end up being based on who we like.. who we don't want to let go. They all know that, I know they do, they're all smart.

[ she's quiet again, and then she finally looks up from the ground, and stops. ]

Why am I a bad person? Because I was the only one who said it out loud?

[ Vriska lets her have her quiet. She knows she can be a motormouth, and that Jinah will put up with her being a motormouth, but given Jinah's earlier reaction, she figures her partner needs space of some kind.

And, lo and behold, Jinah explains once they're safely in private, away from any prying ears and eyes. Vriska will watch her thoughtfully, but there's a grim element to it. ]

You're not. You're just saying out loud what they don't want to admit to themselves. That for all their pretending and moaning and preaching, not a single fucking one of them has a leg to stand on. We're all going to act selfishly. They just want to pretend they have the moral high ground so they can continue to live with themselves for being murderers by proxy. It's all bullshit, Jinah. They are all just cowards who can't admit the truth to themselves.

I..

[ Vriska lets out all the hot air that she'd been holding in herself. It makes her deflate a little, and she becomes less huffy and more resigned. ]

.. I've watched this happen before, in some way.

[ She has been careful not to share too much, even with Vriska. If it's a game of trust perception is everything-- and she's not stupid enough to risk that.

But she's a little tired of being alone with her thoughts. ]

I've watched what happens when someone has to kill someone they care about to survive. It destroys you, you know. It turns you into someone else.. and it just makes every day harder and harder.

[ She thinks about their conversation last week, about the knife, and all the promises Vriska has made. ]

It's why I can't hate him you know? The person who that knife belonged to. And it's why I'm not going to lie about what I want and what I care about. I want to live, and I want you to live too, but I want us to survive as the people that we are. And sometimes that means doing things that make it easier to wake up in the morning.

... I don't disagree with you, [ Vriska will say finally, thoughtfully, as she watches Jinah. ] Most of the do-gooders here value their morals over their ability to live with themselves, or else act like those things are the same. But they're not. If you make the choice that agrees with your morals, you may not be able to keep living with what you've done! But if you make the choice that lets you live with yourself, then you may have just thrown your morals in the trash. [ A short sharp bark of a laugh. ]

I have a feeling that once that difference occurs to everyone here, pretty much everybody is going to fall to pieces. You're ahead of the game, Jinah. You've already made your choice and you're sticking to it. You will survive when the rest of them start breaking.

[ She's quiet for quite some time. They walk, and there are no sounds except the sea and the sky. She keeps walking till she reaches the edge of the shore. She looks at the water, and then finally she looks back at Vriska. ]

You say this but.. you've shown a lot of people here a lot of kindness. You care about them.

[ A pause, and a poor attempt at a smile. ]

I don't really care about what the others think about me.. but I don't want you to hate me for being selfish. Because I am, I'm really selfish.

[ Ah. That will make Vriska frown, a sharp downward curl of one side of her mouth that makes one of her fangs poke out. ]

Care? About these useless morons? Please.

[ she cares so much. she'll end up folding her arms over her chest, the gesture kind of obviously defensive. ]

... I mean, if you're selfish, then so am I. If you ask me, there's nothing wrong with wanting to survive!

[ She sort of looks at Vriska incredulously for a moment-- and then she laughs, it's sort of quiet, but it's genuine and without any mocking or malice. ]

Sorry.. you just remind me a lot of a friend. That thing you said and the thing you were doing just now.

[ She'll motion at the whole crossed arm thing she's got going on. She clearly doesn't really believe her, but she won't say anything else. If she was really anything like the friend in question she'd probably get mad if she pried further. ]

It's kind of you to say that though.. but I think this goes a little further than that.

[ She sobers up a bit, and she looks a little torn; to speak or not to speak-- ]

What would you think of me.. if I told you that I let someone I love die even when we both had a chance to live just because I couldn't forgive them.. because it would make things easier for me.

[ Ah.

All that registers on Vriska's face for a moment is some surprise. And then a deep thoughtfulness as she lifts a hand to tap her fingertips on her cheek, biting her lip. ]

I'd say that sounds really familiar, because I did basically the exact same thing, once. Or more like, it wasn't even that I let him die, I just kind of straight up killed him? But the rest is the same. I couldn't forgive him, so even though we both could have easily made it out of that situation alive, I killed him instead because I was sick of it!

[ ... ]

It turns out we really share a lot in common.

[ She releases a breath she didn't even know she'd been holding when Vriska speaks. There's a hand on her heart, like it was racing, waiting to hear Vriska's answer. ]

You understand... there are some things that are unforgivable. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how good their intentions were-- sometimes.. sometimes you just want to have.. I guess some kind of power for once.

[ She smiles, and it's a little shaky. ]

I was surprised at how upset I was.. but I think it was because I just felt really alone? But talking to you about these things.. I don't feel like that anymore.

... yeah. I was pretty upset, too. And I felt really stupid about it! It's kind of dumb old news by now, but at the time it kind of messed me up, as lame as that is to say.

[ There's a long pause, and slowly, Vriska will reach out for one of Jinah's hands. She'll frown and look down at the ground as if that will cover for the faint blue blush on her cheeks as she tangles a few of their fingers together. ]

You won't be alone as long as you have me.

[ There are a dozen things she could say, but none of them really feel right. So she opts instead to grip Vriska's hand and give it a squeeze. Smiling at her bashfulness and the gesture itself. ]

I know.. thank you. And the same goes for you.

[ She pauses, takes a look at their joined hands. ]

A lot of things have happened, both here and before.. well here. But when I talk to you I feel more like the person I used to be. The old me I guess! The one who was less afraid of other people and trusted them without thinking twice.

[ The smile disappears for a moment-- she gives Vriska's hand another squeeze. ]

I'm going to do anything I need to, to protect that feeling.

[ SHE'S NOT BASHFUL SHUT UP!!!!!!!

(being a teenager is hard.)

Vriska will frown a little and look away, the flush on her cheeks deepening. ]

I am probably the actual worst person you could feel that way about, but, I mean ... whatever, I guess.

[ ... ]

We'll protect each other, right? We're partners.

[ The more embarrassed Vriska gets the more Jinah's own smile grows. She's swinging their connected hands back and forth like an excited child. ]

Yes, but more than that you're someone I really care about! I'd protect you even if my life didn't depend on it.

[ and maybe that's cheesy, but it's the truth. ]

But I think I probably tell you that every week now-- just don't forget it okay?

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[week three - sunday]

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